10 Rules for Peeing: A Primer for Kids

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1. No playing in your brother’s pee stream.

“Only play in my own pee stream? Got it, Mom.”

2. No playing in your own pee stream.  No playing in pee streams in general. Under certain circumstances, and using your own equipment, exceptions can be made for activities like peeing straight down into snow and then measuring for comparison. I mean, I’m not a monster.

3. No pee fights.

4. If you’ve ever wondered what it sounds like to pee on the wall or in the garbage can or on the floor or in the toy bin or inside the garage or behind your bed, IT SOUNDS LIKE PEE. STOP IT.

5. A swimsuit is for getting wet. A swimsuit is not for wetting. Don’t pee in the pool. More importantly, when you do pee in the pool, don’t announce it. Announcing it includes both verbal and nonverbal clues. Verbal clues include hollering, “I just peed in the pool, Mom! It made a nice warm spot! Come feel!” Nonverbal clues include scrambling out of the pool, grabbing your private parts and then watching the pee dribble down your legs.

6. Pee is not stamps or coins or baseball cards or comic books. Don’t collect it.

7. Yes, of course you can pee outside. In fact, from March-October that’s required. Usual rules apply. Keep it off the porch. Be sneaky. Keep your bits to yourself. Don’t get arrested. Pretend like you use the potty when guests come over.

8. You can all pee further than your brothers. I know this doesn’t seem possible, but you’re going to have to trust me; no need to keep proving it.

9. Our toilet doesn’t leak. I know it’s pee. Clean it up.

10. No peeing on other people. No, really; I mean it this time.

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Do you have rules for peeing? What’s missing from this list? Or which of these rules would you particularly like apply to your family?

Your pee stories needed. STAT.

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Flower Toilet Signs image credit to aopsan via freedigitalimages.net
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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
49 comments
  1. Son 1 (5 yrs old): I’m going potty
    Son 2(4 yrs old): Me too. Hey! Let’s make an X!!!

  2. for the boys: I know it takes extra coordination, but LIFT YOUR SHIRT BEFORE YOU PEE. And also, if the pee gets on any item of clothing, even if it’s just the bottom inch of your shirt, you must change said item of clothing. I will help you if you need it. (standard rules apply regarding hiding pee clothes. As long as you tell me immediately, there are no negative consequences for having an accident, but if my nose leads me to an article of your clothing that’s been stashed somewhere you will not be happy.)

  3. Awesome. I needed this silliness today.

  4. We have 2 rules:
    1. Hold it
    2. Aim for the water
    My four year old prefers a hands-free method, that is really NOT effective.

  5. My favorite pee story: My then 4 year old daughter calls out from the bathroom “The floor got wet!” How did the floor get wet? “I tried to pee like Alex (her 7 year old brother).” My answer “You can’t pee like Alex.” She tried that twice before she gave up. lol

  6. All girls must sit forward on the toilet. “Why?”you ask?

    Because the pee runs down the side of the toilet, that’s why.

  7. Do NOT pee on the trees/bushes/playground at school. Only pee on the farm.

    If you must write your name on the gravel driveway, please ensure there are no neighbors present.

  8. I haven’t quite formulated the rule for this, although #5 probably covered it. I discovered the other day that a little girl at the splash pad standing over the fountain going “Look, I’m peeing!” as the stream of water hits against her crotch looks different than the same girl a moment later squatting over the fountain, actually peeing. Like, the game made her think, “Oh, hey, I kind of do need to pee, now that I think of it.” I did not see the humor in it at the time.

  9. My guy is 3, and still potty training. My #1 rule- Do NOT pee on your mother! Don’t do it!

    1. That’s mine as well! Unfortunately my son is not old enough to understand (10 months)… I can’t count how many times he peed on me…

  10. I am a nanny to a 4.5 yo boy and an almost 3 yo girl who is newly potty trained. This has led to a new rule being enacted: Brother is never ever ever allowed to attempt to pee into the space behind Sister as she uses the potty. Never. 1. She got there 1st. 2. There are other bathrooms for you to use. And 3. If it were as big of an emergency as you say it is, you wouldn’t have waited for her to get into the bathroom to decide to get off the couch and go. Because of this rule, I have been informed that I am “no fun” on several occasions. That may be true, but I’m sticking to my guns!

    1. My kids don’t try that anymore! I only allow one kid in the bathroom at a time because of fighting. But they do the same thing: suddenly it’s an emergency when your brother goes potty? No, six-year-old, you can wait two minutes until he is done.

      1. my sister and i use to feel the need to attempt to use the toilet together to. thing is we are both girls so we would attempt to share the toilt. we did this cause are mom got mad when she discovered one of us would use the sink while the other used the toilet. eventually the rule of one person to the bathroom at a time was made.

  11. Pulled from my blog: “I spent this afternoon with a great friend of mine, Anne, who came for lunch and a catch-up. We spent several hours laughing, drinking tea and enjoying a good heart-to-heart discussion, all of which was lovely and a great tonic. Joshua interjected occasionally to draw our attention to various vehicles of interest which he was watching from the living room window, but otherwise spent the time playing on the floor with his Bob the Builder characters and pilfering pieces of banana cake from the tea tray. And halfway through the afternoon, the inevitable moment arrived: he squatted slightly and weed lavishly through his underwear onto the carpet without preamble or announcement. The wee seemed to last for several minutes, during which Anne and I looked at each other and simultaneously burst into howls of uncontrollable laughter. I’ve never once scolded Joshua for relieving himself in the wrong place but I suspect my reaction sent out an equally unhelpful signal with regard to the progression of potty training, because once the wee had finally finished he grinned broadly, gestured in the direction of the puddle he’d just created and sang “Ta-da!” ”

    Needless to say we’re regular RugDoctor renters. Thanks for the giggle and the solidarity! xo

  12. As much as you’d like to think you have the skills to hit the plastic cup you set in the entryway by aiming through the slats of the railing on the second story landing, you can’t.

  13. Working in the toddler room at a daycare for four years I took part in many a potty training venture. My one rule for the little boys was, “Point your pee pee down!”

  14. Pretty simple rules with our 5, 2 of which are boys. It all boils down to this, girls do not pee on the floor. If I find pee on the floor the boys have to flip to see who is going to clean it up. My constant refrain is “if you don’t like cleaning up pee, quit peeing on the floor”. It has gotten so bad that my oldest boy has taken to doing all of his business sitting down so we know exactly who to blame. Hope that hasn’t emasculated him too much … Don’t care! There will be NO pee on my floor!

  15. One more that I’m working on implementing (I’m clearly full to bursting with thoughts on this topic): when peeing outdoors, it is not necessary to pull underwear and pants all the way to the ground, thus exposing one’s tush to the neighbors. Boys have the advantage of being able to pee while looking like they are just studiously examining the fence. Try it sometime!

    1. It took us almost 18 months to teach this skill!

  16. Rule for Grandma’s house: Everyone pees in the toilet. Every time. One at a time. You can even close the door. You can even flush. You can even use the fancy soaps or the foamy liquid soap when you wash your hands. Nothing exciting about peeing here.

  17. I have two boys. And a husband. So 5 all together…. My rules:
    1. TUCK IT DOWN! It is not a test to see if you can pee into the bathtub while pooping into the toilet.
    2. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat…. I mean it, DEAR….
    3. If you don’t clean it up when it happens, I will make you clean it eventually…
    4. ONE person in the bathroom at a time. It is NOT a spectator sport.
    5. Leave mom alone when she is peeing… you don’t need to be in the bathroom (see rule 4).

  18. Also, do not pee in the bath a) when I haven’t done soap yet, because then I’m rinsing you with pee water, b) when I have already done soap and you are now sitting in pee water, c) when your little brother is sitting next to your legs, d) pretty much ever.

  19. A basic rule but one I find myself reminding #1 son almost every day: look at the toilet when you are peeing. Do not try to turn your head around to see what your brother is doing, or try to pick up a toy off the counter, or engage me in conversation. Look at the toilet and watch what you are doing already!

  20. I have only girls and I can’t ever remember any pee issues cropping up.

    I’m quite jealous, to be honest.

  21. So “Who done it?”
    Was it the twins? Did you set up a sting with a nanny cam to see who was stockpiling urine?

  22. Oh my word I’m so excited – I was going through withdrawal of your pee stories.
    Rule – It’s more sanitary to just pee in the ocean than the nasty bathrooms at the beach. Truest truth.
    Rule – Don’t pee in a jar and leave it where you’re playing just because you’re too scared to go all the way upstairs to the bathroom (JOSHUA ALLEN!!!)
    Rule – Definitely pee around the garden b/c it’s the most organic way to keep away the deer.
    Rule – Don’t pee in the same neighbor’s bushes everyday on the way home from school or you just might end up getting called to the principal’s office (RICK ALLEN!!)

  23. I am the mother of 6 – five of which are girls. We have girly bathroom rules. Such as: You are not required to inform the entire room when you are going to Pee. Just do it… in the bathroom… silently.

    One small girl does not need a five pound bowling ball sized wad of toilet paper to wipe off their girly bits.

    One sister’s need to pee (especially a younger sister) trumps your need to straighten your hair, apply your make up, coat yourself in body spray – and ALL other aspects of your daily beauty routine.

    If there is pee on my floor something went VERY wrong. The only males in the house are your father, and your three month old brother. Neither of whom urinate on the floor!

    And last, but not least – I know privacy is hard to come by in a small house with six kids, but the bathroom is not your personal office. You can not hide in there with your iPhone and plan coordinating outfits with your bestie for an hour. If you do that you take the chance of a little sister peeing in your room… don’t say I didn’t warn you.

  24. Yesterday, I overheard my son saying to my daughter, “I had to change my clothes, because I tried to pee like you.” OH CHILDREN!

    Our biggest pee problem is my son getting it on the floor when he goes #2. It is a daily issue that I had really hoped would have been over by now. My daughter screams to go pee before she can wave goodbye out the window to anyone, because the waving goodbye is an emotional experience for her, and she always has to pee when she does it, but she’s always afraid that the person leaving won’t still be there to wave goodbye to by the time she’s done peeing, no matter the reassurances. So when someone has to leave, we ask if she has to pee before we do goodbyes. lol.

  25. Some additional rules we have regarding peeing at our house:
    -Always pee WITH the wind, not INTO it.
    -If you pee your pants a little bit, and you’re too embarrassed to tell the teacher, spill something on yourself and then you’ll have to change clothes anyway.
    -Don’t pee on the cat. Never, ever.
    -Don’t pee on anything electric, especially power strips. Bad things happen.
    -If you pee your pants, it is NOT OKAY to hide your pee pants behind the couch, or stuff them into a closet so mom doesn’t find them. She will eventually find them, and then bad things will happen….

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