Now hear this: if I can’t physically rescue baby humans from cages, I am going to rescue All the Baby Animals.
All of them.
Every single one.
I mean, YES, I am ALSO taking action on behalf of the small humans. But no one is letting me march into those detention centers with my wire cutters while holding a separated mommy’s hand so we can reunite her with her kid and stop this insanity, so I’m finding I need to take other actions, too. Tangible ones. To soothe this world and myself. To reduce the amount of harm. And it doesn’t hurt my mental health if those actions require me to snuggle tiny, furry creatures.
I started with foster puppies.
I’m moving on to foster kittens next.
And we’re getting a domesticated fox as soon as I find an extra $9,000 hidden in the couch cushions, because Greg said we can have one.
Now, foxes are technically not rescue animals, but I fail to see how Beth Woolsey Has a Fox does not make the world a better place, and I’m willing to try all angles right now for World Improvement. Also, does that animal not look like the cuddliest? I mean, no; no, it doesn’t, but I’m pretty sure that’s just ‘cause it’s sad it doesn’t live with us yet.
In the meantime, though — while waiting for the next foster felines and canines to arrive — what’s a girl to do?
DO NOT WORRY. I HAVE SOLVED THIS PROBLEM thanks to Zoey, the Very Best Dog Ever, who came inside last night sprayed by skunk.
SHE BROUGHT WORD FROM THE SKUNKS, FRIENDS.
At great risk to herself!
I mean, sure; at first we were dismayed. It was 11pm, and all the children were in bed when the Most Terrible Smell filled our senses and every crevice of our home.
And yes, we had to rush to The Google to discover the Best and Fastest Way to Remove Skunk Stank from thick, absorbent fur and sweet doggy eyes.
But while we all washed and scrubbed and rinsed in a Heroic Group Effort in Our Underwear, I REALIZED THIS IS THE SKUNKS’ CRY FOR HELP.
I told Greg. New plan! WE ARE FOSTERING BABY SKUNKS. Clearly the poor dears are lashing out at this cruel, cruel world. They just need a little loving. It’s going to be awesome. Baby skunks everywhere, y’all. We are going to be a Baby Skunk Sanctuary. A Baby Skunktuary.
THERE IS NO DOWNSIDE. Especially because I’ve heard baby skunks can’t spray. I’ve verified that in zero places because verification of facts occasionally undermines what I want to believe. So YOU may say “baby skunks can’t spray = alternative facts,” but *I* say you can’t trust what the media says because they have their own liberal ANTI BABY SKUNK agenda, and you’re just too stupid to see it. Why have facts when I can have harmful opinions instead?
In conclusion, we’re getting baby skunks because we’re good Americans. BABY SKUNKS FOR EVERYONE.
I can feel the world healing already.
P.S. Greg is ecstatic at this news. He keeps staring at me and shaking his head, speechless, so great is his awe and joy.