Just a very quick update from me (even though I’m behind on telling you ALL THE THINGS, which I hope to fix soon) because TODAY was Phase One for NEW TEETH.
All for ME!
Strictly speaking, having one’s face mauled by a dog in early childhood has its downsides. Reconstructive surgeries starting at age two. Plastic surgeries starting at seven. Oral surgery, braces more than once, and five fake teeth installed 30 years ago that have aged about as well as you’d expect. Those things were… less than pleasant.
But I’m not gonna lie, there were upsides, too.
Did you know when you’re a kid you get to have UNLIMITED POPSICLES when you’re in the hospital? It’s TRUE. Unlimited! ALL THE POPSICLES FOR ALL THE DAYS. And they used to keep you in the hospital for loads of days back then. I mean, sure: they didn’t let parents see their hospitalized kids outside of 9-5 visiting hours in the 1970s, so my mommy couldn’t snuggle me at night, and, also, the nurses were trained more as Battle Surgeons than Care Givers, and would lay on top of my thrashing body and call me a sissy when they gave me shots, BUT THEY ALSO DIDN’T MAKE ME EAT THE ROOTBEER OR BANANA POPSICLES, folks. That’s RIGHT. Not only did I have access to unlimited frozen, dyed sugar pops, I ALSO got to high-grade which flavors I wanted. It was CHILDHOOD PARADISE, I tell you. Heaven on Earth for a kid whose only other sources of sugar were Flinstone Vitamins and the occasional tub of frosting I managed to secretly purchase at Vons and hide under my bed.
Also, my nose is made out of my ear, which is pretty damn cool if I do say so myself.
So, UPSIDES. There are some. And TODAY’S upside is NEW TEETH. Or rather, Prep for New Teeth which may be even better than New Teeth. IDK yet. Stay tuned.
Anyway. I didn’t want you to miss out, friends, because Phase One was pretty much exactly the same as having Glamor Shots done, and, to be honest, the world needs more beauty right now. It would be wrong if I held back out of a false sense of modesty. Criminal, really. Cruel.
And so, without further ado, I present to you… my mouth.
I KNOW, RIGHT?
I SO PRETTY!
Like, I’d deny it except I’d be fooling no one.
Come on. Don’t be shy. Who wants to get with this?
In conclusion, please specify: Hot? Or Not?
We all know there’s one right answer.
With love, and waving, as always, in the dark,
P.S. This is Phase One of Phase One, where they cut the fake teeth in half so they can pry the remaining bits off the golem-like stubs below.
P.P.S. And this is Phase Three of Phase One, where they’ve completed removing the Old Teeth and mistakenly leave you to your own devices (aka, Selfies for Dayz) while they prep the Temporary Plastic Teeth you get to wear for a couple weeks while the New Teeth are crafted.
P.P.P.S. My dentist, Dr. Chris Brecke, located at 200 N Edwards St in Newberg, Oregon — phone number: (503) 538-7358, email: email@example.com — was Very Clear that it was OK I took selfies as long as did NOT, under any circumstances, mention that he’s the one doing the work lest people think my 1970s/80s Ancient Horrifying Golem Stubs ™, ℠, ®, © (my trademark, not his, because he’s the Kindest, Gentlest Human and would DIE before he would ever say anything horrific/true to his patients) are his work.
P.P.P.P.S. I ❤️ Dr. Brecke and his professionalism. 😂 And I hereby vow to eventually show the Final Product which IS his work, and not just this American Horror Story, even though it Amuses Me Greatly.
Have a lovely day.