Sometimes, I feel pretty good about Me. I suspect it’s a result of getting older and giving fewer shits. Like, take me or leave me, you know? I know who I am. I know where I fall short. I’m doing my best except when I’m doing my mediocre, which, let’s be honest, is way more often, but I’ve also realized that doing my best on Every Single Thing is unrealistic and, frankly, unhealthy. Do I REALLY want to do my best while grocery shopping? Or do I just want to run in, grab eggs and milk and off-brand bread, and call it a day so I can save my “best” energy for more important things, like handling the 47th question from my children about the Exact Same Thing and still choosing not to run screaming into the night? “I STILL DO NOT KNOW WHAT’S FOR DINNER, CHILDREN. I THINK I’VE MADE IT CLEAR HOW TO FIND THE CEREAL, THOUGH, SO — GREAT NEWS — NO STARVING FOR YOU TODAY.”
Yep, sometimes I feel good about Me. Like I’m good with the choices I’m making. Like I understand I’m not perfect, and, frankly, no longer strive for perfection like I strive for kindness or sanity. Sometimes I feel good about Me, like I have my priorities figured out: 1. Do NOT smother Greg with a pillow, 2. Show up for my humans, 3. Spend enough time at base camp so I can gear up for the next summit, and 4. Binge reading trashy novels is more important than personal hygiene.
Sometimes I feel good about Me. Like I’m doing enough. Like I’m being enough. Like this life is what it is and I’m striving for what’s important and letting the rest slide, and that’s OK.
Sometimes I feel good about Me. But today isn’t one of those days.
Sometimes I feel good about Me. But today I’m frustrated and at odds with myself. Like, I’m a little jittery, you know? I’m looking at the To Do list, and the budgeting, and the meal planning, and the shopping, and the professional goals, and the farm work, and the kids’ needs (I swear I’ll answer your texts eventually, Abby), and the STUFF, right? The never ending stuff. And then I look at myself, and there’s just one of me, and I keep listening to the lies which are loud right now.
1. You are LAZY, and that’s the main problem. If you were simply more EFFICIENT, and if you’d GET UP OFF YOUR BUTT instead of sitting to drink your coffee or sneaking another chapter of your book on the toilet, you would be able to accomplish EVERYTHING.
2. You are FAT, and that’s the main problem. If you had self control and more tightly managed yourself — if you made time for daily aerobic and weight-lifting exercise — if you joined a gym and woke up early to go — if you made yourself breakfasts with only protein and vegetables — that would permeate all areas of your life, and you would be able to accomplish EVERYTHING.
3. You are NOT DRIVEN, and that’s the main problem. If you would just set GOALS and be more DISCIPLINED — if you had an immovable ROUTINE to which you dedicated yourself — you would be able to accomplish EVERYTHING.
4. You suck at TIME MANAGEMENT, and that’s the main problem. If you made a schedule and stuck to it, there are enough hours in the day to accomplish EVERYTHING.
Sometimes I feel good about Me. But today is… hard.
Sometimes I feel good about Me. But today I don’t.
And so today is an opportunity. **sigh** Sometimes, I HATE opportunities because they’re hard work and I have to confront the lies I feed my brain and my heart.
Still, today is an opportunity. An important one. A critical one. A life-changing, earth-moving, heart-healing one.
Today is an opportunity to be gentle with myself.
Today is an opportunity to practice kindness, even with me.
Today is an opportunity to feel the feelings of frustration and to grieve being human and finite and fallible instead of what I’d prefer to be which is God, omnipotent and omnipresent, capable of All Things, simultaneously.
Today is an opportunity to treat myself like I’d treat a friend who confessed the same thing. To whisper the Truths and Light which overcome the Lies and Darkness. To remind myself I’m already on the Right Track, which is loving the humans around me. To look in the mirror and remember I’m made from Worth and Value. To make a Small, Achievable List of the Most Important Things for the day and to let the rest go, knowing they’ll wait for tomorrow. To take One Very Deep Breath on Purpose — a long intake of air to hold and hold and hold and release — and One More, because deep breaths incrementally release stress like tiny bits of magic. And to remember our merit isn’t measured by ticking off boxes on a list — the importance of our life isn’t measured by getting everything done. We are all, instead, inherently worthy of love already, even worthy of loving ourselves.
So in case you’re here, too, having a Day of it, I want you to know you’re not alone. And we have an opportunity together.
Sending you Love and Light, friend, and waving in the dark, as always,
P.P.S. Did you know I run a small number of retreats each year? I do! One of my very, very favorite things to do is hang out with members of our incredible, worldwide community and offer rest and respite from our regular lives. I would LOVE to have you join me.
Or, if you want to head straight to the registration pages, you can register via my farm website, CAIRNS FARM: